Today I realized how much I want to rave.

And that means so much more than my old ass wanting to freak dance amongst fellow sweaty, scantily clad, EDM lovers.

I have to learn how to let myself relax. That’s the key to controlling my anxiety.

Today I went from doing something to doing nothing to doing something to doing nothing. I got real keyed up by my plans for the night twice to end up in my pajamas texting a note to myself about it in my basement with my husband blaring 21 Pilots on this new Bluetooth speaker he got in a free gift raffle thing. So.

Corndog mustard game is strong ??

Robert and I love doing things for our family. He wanted to learn how to open the family cottage for the summer. This weekend was really the only free weekend we had before Memorial Day weekend (a popular one for the first visit of the year).

Today, due to our innate ability to procrastinate to the point of self destruction, when I woke up at 6:50am after being woken up off and on all night by a disgruntled baby

I realized we had blown off the entire previous afternoon/evening and had nothing packed or prepared for what we planned to be an immediate departure from work at 3pm to start the 3-4 hour journey north with the entire family. Like, are we nuts?!

So that didn’t work out.

But then I remembered I had JUST turned down my friend’s offer to go to a rave for her 30th birthday. I’ve only been to like 2 real raves. I love raves.

I had to hurry to make sure Robs chores were out of the way so he could focus on Joey and I needed to wake her up and get her going on dinner so she didn’t give him a hard time later while I wasn’t there to help and damn I was tired but I REALLY wanted to rave.

I also love this friend because she goes ALL out. I met her at the local clubwear store and we spent a good hour trying on outfits and comparing options. Then it was time to pay for our purchases. When I opened my wallet I noticed my ID was missing. Ya’ll.

I knew my ID was missing like a dang month ago bc I used it to pull money from the bank and they put it in the cash envelope and I was like “oh I need this” so I took it out and left it in the center console thingy until one day I noticed it in there and was like “oh I need this” but also “the center console thingy is a good place for it” then two weeks ago I went to the bank again and it wasn’t in there anymore and I was like “sorry bank lady, can I still get cash?” And she was like “yes” so I didn’t care where my ID was but then I saw it in one of the pockets of my flower bag and was like “who put that there, whatever” and left it because to me that’s also a safe place so today when I “lost” it that’s where I immediately asked Bobby to look for it for me. He said “no way, Jose”.

So here I am con-fi-dant it’s in that dang bag. So I speed home because I know the others are checking out too then we’re going to go back to her house to get ready then heading out so I don’t have a lot of time but I can still run home and make it back with time to hurry myself ready to get to the rave. I even left my car running in the driveway because I thought it would be a quick trip in and out. Bobby was right. It wasn’t there.

I tore my house and car apart for 30 minutes before admitting defeat and turning off the car. I text my friend apologizing profusely for being such an irresponsible prick. My only thank was that I realized it was gone before we were 1.5 hrs away from home and stuck in the awkward situation of me not-getting-into-the-bar while all my friends were totally-getting-in.

Today I was so keyed up I put my rave outfit on anyway and modeled it around the house for the boys to groan about then folded it up nicely and put it in my dresser with a goodbye and a promise to wear it soon because 1 I am an adult now, I do what I want and 2 there is nothing wrong with rainbow and silver clothing in public so 3 there’s ALSO a rave festival nearby on MY 30th birthday that would be dopeidillyocious to attend.

Then I put my pajamas on and chilled with my family for a minute. They both ran around the house with me while I was looking. They both didn’t complain about my rave outfit or tell me to take it off.

My mantra now has got to be something involved with the effect perspective has on a situation. If you’ve followed this far and can come up with a good one for me, comment it below.

Today I learned someone likes when I crochet in the same room so they don’t feel alone; even if we’re not talking.

Today I learned a 21 Pilots playlist on Spotify makes for an amazing soundtrack to a muted Moving Art on Netflix.

“I can’t even hear you, this is amazing, fuck off” -RJM

Today I did efficient work, talked to my mother-in-law, went shopping with my friend for her birthday, and spent a great night with my son and husband.

So yeah, I wanna rave. But it’s because I want to lose control. I want to not think I have to worry about every little thing. I was worried about every. Little. Thing. Ask Robert, he’ll tell you.

Today I relaxed. Finally. I freak danced to 21 Pilots in my pajamas while crocodiles snapped on screen and my husband and I laughed to the point of tears. It was amazing.

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